Awww shit! Lil Wayne up in this bitch. Cash Money Records! Y'all may know me from my tracks "Gonorrhea", "Pussy Monster," and my appearance on Juvenile's 1999 hit single "Back That Azz Up."

My agent says I can break into new markets by writing about popular interests which exploit untapped synergies and shit. So today we teachin' baby daddys how to swaddle your baby. Master these techniques and lil shorty be sleepin' like someone popped a cap in her ass and in ten minutes you be watchin' Two And a Half Men and smokin' a bleezy. Let's start this shit.

LET'S START THIS SHIT

The best blanket for swaddling is a square blanket, not a motherfuckin' rectangle blanket. My boy Big Deezy in Bed-Stuy uses a rectangle blanket but his swaddle skillz be straight busted forreals.

And spend some cheese on a nice-ass blanket because you want that shit to be soft as fuck nahmean? It'll cost papes but lil hoodrat'll be lovin' that soft shit on her baby ass. Now here's the straight knowledge to your dome.

KNOWLEDGE TO YOUR DOME

Lay the blanket flat in a diamond shape. Grab the top corner of the blanket like you got your finger on the trigger of your nine-milly. Fold the top corner down.

Take the left corner and fold it across shorty's body. Hold her arm at her side and tuck the corner under her body. Make those folds crisp. Sloppy-ass folds are straight wack.

Take the bottom corner and fold it upward. Take the opposite corner and fold it down. Pull it to the middle of homegirl's chest. Press on that shit snug like a gunshot wound cuz babies need to be wrapped super-ass tight for this shit to work.

Bring the bottom of the blanket across homegirl's body. Tuck the corner into the front fold.

That's it! Shorty should look like a motherfuckin' burrito now. Shit's about to get calm as fuck up in your crib. Not the baby crib but like your home.

A bomb-ass swaddle job will usually kool out any shorty, but here's some more baby skillz from my homies in the hood. Try this shit if that shit don't work.

IF THAT SHIT DON'T WORK, try:

• The Crenshaw Mafia Bloods shushing technique: Whisper "shhh" in her ear for like ten minutes.


• The Mona Park Gangsta Killaz burping technique: Bend her knees and pat her back.


• The Queensbridge Murderers calming technique: Lay her on her tummy across your lap.


• The Inglewood Mafia Crips pacifying technique: Let her suck your pinky finger like a pacifier.


• The Chi-town Vice Lords bouncing technique: Place her on one knee and jiggle her up and down.

And get some baby wipes for your Benz and your Lex cuz homegirl gonna be spittin' up and peein' whenever she feel like it. Shorty don't give a fuck about leather trim and walnut interior. I recommend Huggies Natural Care Ultra-Sensitive Unscented.

That's the straight shit y'all! Remember, caring for your child with love and affection is one of the most rewarding things in life and shit. Look for my new album Tha Carter IV out next month, featuring the single "My Wife Hate My Life!"